3T#3

three musical things i wish to be a part of;

1. i wish i were the drummer who played the
opening drum sequence of limp bizkit's "gold cobra"

2. i wish i were the guitarist who fiddled away
for the whole of creed's "one last breath"

3. i  wish i were the pianist who tinkled away
on evanescence's "my immortal"

fear.

my reading habit has come back.
did a bit of blog-surfing, and i came across
this intriguing chain of thoughts.

roughly translated into;

"...have you ever given any thought, as to
when you first fall in love with someone,
you develop a need to have strong
emotional connections to them, to feel what they feel,
to share their happiness and their sadness.

and in the end you are the one
who is further contributing towards
their next chapter of sadness..."

you know what? that thought makes perfect sense to me.

when relationships don't work out,
or is well on the way of not working out,
there is undoubtedly a lot of sadness.

in most cases, they are the source of that sadness.
but to be fair, in other cases as well,
you are the one who isn't right for them.

in my opinion, the only decent thing to do
is to end the relationship, let them live better lives,
and hope you are a sad chapter that has ended for them.

in sadness, nobody wins. so be the point that stops.

credit p_jomblo. kudos to you.
 

it never takes too long.

this is off the wonderful, wonderful "gravity" from sara bereilles.
i love it, i love it!

 

point.

this is gonna be personal.

looking back at my life,
from when i was a boy till now,
it seems i had things all figured out.

ever since i was a kid,
i was on a railway to success.
had the right grades, the right drive,
had the right motivation,
the right love and support from loved ones.

then i missed a point.

see, i was always supposed to work somewhere,
grown up in that environment, seeing that logo,
mindset, setup, everything was right there
for me to fulfill, in my mind at least,
a place where i rightfully should be.

a point changed everything.
i didn't get the necessary grade to go there.
missed. by a single point.

and then my world turned upside down.
went to a uni i didn't plan on going to,
became lazy, became stupid, became an idiot.

and yet i graduated. barely, mind you.

so after a period of self pity, i started work
at a place i didn't plan to, found a setup that
didn't really meet my expectation at first,
generally felt like a huge failure at that juncture,
but decided to make the most of out it.

fast forward a few years, i found momentum.

i found enrichment, i found puzzles to solve,
i found respect, i found things to build on,
i found understanding that things happened for a reason.

so i went on to revolve my life around tangible goals.
and i've been fortunate enough to reach them.
culminating in the apartment i've always wanted.

everything else from there forth would be a bonus,
it was supposed to be my zenith, my end game,
the point where i finally can't ask for anything more.

but there was one huge flaw in my calculations;
i assumed at that point i would be content.
i would be happy to live the rest of my days
knowing full well that i am proud of what i've done,
and the only thing left was to maintain my life as it were.

i missed a point. i realized i wasn't content, you know?
i knew full well that there was nothing wrong with my life,
but at the same time, it wasn't the ultimate feeling either.

i wanted something different.

i wanted something different to wake up to,
something new to discover and wonder upon,
new puzzles to solve and new stuff to care about.

i just felt that, at 35, this would be my last shot
at doing something drastic to change my everyday life.
to finally see if there's more to life than what i thought.

and so that's why i'm here now.

i do not know if i made the right decision in coming here,
some days are better than others, as we would expect,
but so far, it's as different as i wanted it to be.

let's see how it goes here, shall we?

etched. for good.

haven't written in a while, have i?

you know that feeling you get sometimes,
specially during lazy or really slow weekends,
where you just wake up in a daze,
and next thing you know it's already night,
and you don't know where the day went?

that's how it feels like for me,
particularly during these past few months,
particularly after everything that happened.

i now find it's september.

funny, i came here mid of july,
feeling the smelting heat here,
disoriented with the names, places, people,
trying to make sense of the events,
trying to settle down and handle at the same time.

i don't remember much, bit and pieces maybe,
messages, phone calls, words of advice,
friends cheering you up, or leaving you alone,
people pissing me off, feeling isolated,
feeling numb, feeling utterly alone.

but there is one thing i remember clearly,
images and messages sent to me from home,
i see men in uniform, crowds converging,
vehicles running around, solemn people,
words of hope, words of solace.

i remember the whole nation taking the time
and the effort to commemorate, to honour,
and more importantly, to doakan those who left.

that is something i will always remember,
and that is something i will always be grateful for,
and that is something that i will always treasure.

and in Allah i trust.

where do i start?

i've tucked this away for quite a while.
didn't quite know how to react to it,
let alone write about it.

one of my fave uncles passed away.
him, along with my lovely aunt,
and my 4 young cousins.

they were on THAT flight.

the irony of it all was,
i got word about the tragedy the night before.
little did i know that they were passengers.

the next day, afternoon here,
next thing i know my sis messaged me with;
"...dek, dak udak dek..."

my heart just sank.

it just. sank.
i mean, i knew what she would say next.
i just didn't have the heart to read it.

you all know what happened next.
everything was well covered
and debated and reported all over.

i was here alone. it was a tough weekend.

fast forward weeks now,
i try not to think about it too much,
as impossible as that may seem.
it's all just flashes of images to me.
and sometimes i wake up fearful.

i'm tearing up as i'm writing this,
and there are days when i just, you know,
cry over absolutely nothing, i guess.

but i've accepted the fact that this is fate,
there is nothing i can do about it,
and i can only pray for them now.

it's the best i can do.

in the meantime,
i will remember him in particular,
because i know he looked out for me when i was a boy.

there are 3 things i remember him by;

the time i watched my first world cup,
think it was italia 1990, argentina vs cameroon.
the match was in the wee hours,
the cameroonians surprisingly won,
i was asleep while he stayed up to watch.

then there was the time before he married,
i remember him being so in love with my aunt,
even named his fave sweets after her,
i remember being so happy for him,
and he was so much in love.

and then there's his traits.
he was funny, smart, handsome,
and a darn great uncle to have.

i love you.
all of you.
al-fatihah.

dual me.

i'm on a different continent now.

planning to have another bloggy
just to act as a diary for me being here.
we'll see how that goes ya.

well, in my mind at least, the plan is to still
have this bloggy to be active and running.
maybe i'll be a dual blogger, who knows?

in the meantime, please doakan me well here.

...i'm probably gonna need it.