bear with me.

bear. not bear, but bear. 

oh well, you know what i mean.

i'm just having one of those days.

i've been feeling this way for a while now,
and ubik knows exactly what i'm talking about,
but here's something really fecked up about me;

i sometimes feel i don't deserve good things.

being me, i always find it far easier to accept
and rationalize when bad stuff happens to me,
and most of the time i always feel thankful
and i super appreciate the good stuff that happens
in my life, be it family, friends, work, whatever.

...i just don't feel deserving, sometimes.

my head tells me that being grateful and feeling
deserving are two totally separate entities, and
maybe that's just how i justify to myself why
it's ok or it's normal to feel this way, and maybe
it's the best way to handle things like this.

and of course, it may not be the case,
and i might be totally 100% wrong and
i could end up being in trouble for this.

but anyway, i can only be honest about how
i feel about it, and maybe it would make sense
for me to explore WHY i feel this way.

one big reason is probably because i am highly
aware of the bad stuff i've done in my life, be it
intentionally or not. no, it's mostly unintended.
(well ok, this could also may not be the case and
once again maybe i am in huge denial).

the point is, maybe it's easier to rationalize that
each bad stuff happens is indirectly a result of
me having done bad stuff to others in the past.

the other big reason i think, is because i have
been so used to working and trying so hard,
only to be unappreciated in my efforts, or not
being recognized for it, or not being financially
rewarded for it, one way or another.

it's like fighting tooth and nail, for so little.

so in the end, when good stuff happens, i end up
treating it as a 'delayed reward', or i treat it as
a life lesson that if i worked hard enough,
things will work out eventually, or i treat it as
'bad stuff made me grow into someone better'.

which is true. do i believe it? yes.
am i grateful to allah for it? absolutely.
but do i deserve it? hmmm...

fecked up thinking, i know.

so, i'll think of it this way; even if perhaps
i don't deserve it, this means only one thing;
allah has been wonderful enough to me,
to shower me with wonderful life lessons
and wonderful rewards, tangible and otherwise.
and this also means that i owe it to everyone
that i love to keep improving myself as a person.

syukur alhamdulillah.

p/s : thanks bik for the brainfeed.
i can always count on you for some sense,
despite the fact you are sucky. haha!